Essay by Veronika Schubert (Korshakova)

Everyone carries his own baggage.

Here is mine.

Part 1 LOST

Have you ever had a feeling that you don’t belong where you are at the moment?

Sadly, our thoughts sometimes are our worst enemies.

I was always eager to travel and learn new things. The excitement of moving to Germany lasted for a year or so, then the feeling of emptiness came. I started to feel more foreign here than ever.

I never understood why most of the Russian artists, poets and writers always got back to the topic of Motherland in their mostly forced immigration.

Now I do.

I was not really homesick. Everything just felt wrong and I wanted things to go back to normal. What is normal? How it used to be in my country? In my home?

Even though I’ve been learning German, for 3 years all the talks around me were just a noise. I felt so lonely. I hear about the language barrier, but I never thought that when speaking English, I could ever have this problem. But I did have it. So never underestimate the power of language.

Did I even feel on my plate living in my hometown living with 7 people in one flat? Did I feel home by changing dormitories and flats while studying and trying to get things together? Did I feel at home with my friends from Moscow that I’m not in touch anymore with?

Once in a while I find a place where I feel safe. Every time this moment flies away very soon.

It happened to me in Turkey:

We were visiting a friend, and his parents' home felt so safe to me. 5 days past very fast, the loneliness came back and this zine, inspired by the experience, was born.

As it said in the zine: “…and now I'm in a new search again“ seeking where my safe place is.

Part 2 SEARCH

This wooden house, wandering through the vastness of Germany, has become a metaphor for my search for belonging.

Russia, Germany... Borders blur when it comes to the deep-seated need for a home. Where do I belong? Is it in the Russia I remember? In the Germany that has taken me in? Or is it wherever my heart finds peace?

Part 3 REVEALING

Is home where you spent your childhood?

Is home where you come from?

...where you live? ...where your family is? ...where you belong?

...or is it you, yourself?

I started asking those close to me, and the answers began to reveal themselves.

Part 4 PIECE

As time passes, months turn into years, and the feeling of restlessness slowly dissolves into the routine of daily life. The language gradually becomes familiar. Sadness gives way to irony. Even though the right questions were asked, the precise answers remain elusive.

"Not all the places I've lived have felt like home. But I've been fortunate enough to meet good neighbors and surround myself with details that create a sense of coziness."

To make it sound a bit more natural, you could also say:

"I haven't felt at home everywhere I've lived. But I've been lucky enough to meet some great neighbors and create a cozy space for myself.

For me, it's tea in the evenings with a good book,

…my people

…and me myself.

But the more I live and travel, the less I want to belong to just one place. I want to belong to the whole world. I do belong to the whole world. The world is my home.

Dear home,

I don’t know exactly what you are and where you are, but I guess we shouldn’t necessarily know everything about life. Feelings are what's more important. I know that I felt home not once in my life and I believe it will definitely happen again. For now, I‘d keep the card as my symbol hoping that one day I will reach peace.

With love,

Nika

Remember, you are not alone.